I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
