we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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