No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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