The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
