the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
