I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
