one two three fourrrrnication!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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