you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
