Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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