mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize