I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
