On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
