He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
