Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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