Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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