I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
