Sacagawea was the original milf.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
