We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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