made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
