So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
