Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
