I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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