how can u be prego again
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
