Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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