my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize