You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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