he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
