Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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