the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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