you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Will exercising make me less horny?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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