he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
