i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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