I wish I could teleport
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
