Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
