I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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