i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
