I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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