Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
