yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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