god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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