if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
