Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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