she was so not down for the gang bang
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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