i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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