I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
