sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
