i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
