so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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