im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
