Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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