i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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