dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
