3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
