Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
