They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
