Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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