i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
