Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
