he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
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