there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
