I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
