Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Randomize
