I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
