i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
