Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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