Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have demons in me.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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