I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
