Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
