Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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