hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
