In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
