just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
